Can't wait for this week to be DONE!
It's FINALS WEEK -- therefore, my weekend consisted of me sitting in front of my computer typing, editing, revising ...again & again. Thankfully, I got enough done to head to the boy's house for the night on Saturday -- dinner date, then dinner party on Sunday.
Can't wait for this week to be DONE!
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Forewarning, the below rant is deep.......
I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. And so, you probably could assume I just got out and I'm here to tell everyone my secret. There's something in this world that I'm afraid of more than death. It's a simple word that can be used as a "positive attachment" -- but in sign language it is shown as a hook dragging the face down. That's how I see it. Addiction. Addict. Addicted. The word to me means loss of self, loss of dignity, and above all -- loss of respect from me. I've seen it too often to know what it can do to a life, to a child, and to an adult. Sometimes I think back and even wish for death over addiction -- because most of the time death isn't chosen, and although addiction is a disease, a part of me feels it is a choice. A choice to better yourself. A choice to sacrifice something that makes you feel so physically good, to something that feels even better -- to be loved. If you were to tell me to give up alcohol for the rest of my life, I would gladly wish it away because I don't need it. I wasn't given this gene, but for someone who was it's hard to put myself in their place. It's hard to see someone look so weak and feel so strong. It's hard to watch the life they could have lived die right before my eyes, because I know they don't see it. And if I could have one wish in this world, it would be a cure for this illness. I can't even watch one minute of that tv show intervention without feeling nauseous. Then again, I think, this illness made me who I am -- it made me stronger, more mature, and truly able to see past the flaws of others. But when I see someone who is getting enjoyment out of this feeling -- it makes me sick to my stomach. So sick that it brings me to tears. Nothing about addiction is good. And so, I think I'll dance to it. Because no one understands my dances anyway, and I'm fine with that. I understand. I feel. I need this for me. And if it can help someone better their life, then I have done my job here on earth. But I have to tell you, I have no more strength left for this illness to hold people up. I've been doing it since I was seven years old. So if you push me, I will fall. And I'll fall because I have nothing left to give to someone who chooses this life. So, please don't make me. |
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