Some dance to remember,
Others dance to forget.
~ EAGLES
I met him during a blizzard. He was a dancer too. The way he moved on stage was as if he was walking on water. So smooth, and so controlled gliding across the boards. The words flooded through the speakers to his body and into my thoughts. Our eyes met, 20 feet away. He was holding a shovel when we met. He asked me to dance. I told him I would, after he removed all of the snow.
We fell in love in the sunshine. I kept all of the letters he wrote and read them on my porch swing. He wrote the most beautiful words about dreams, fears, and futures. He said he knew love when we met and looked forward to every letter I wrote. I wrote because I missed him. I wrote because my heart ached for him. I always read his letters alone, in the sunshine, in fear of another knocking on my door.
The sun was still shining when he walked through my door. I traced his every outline as though perfection lived in every imperfect pore. We made maps in the freckles of our skin, roads of a life we’d one day make. Our breaths matched as though we were one and I fell more in love with each lungful of air. Night fell and he lay next to me dreaming of futures. It was dark and I missed him. So I leaned over to my night stand and tapped the light once. Changing my mind, I tapped it twice more and it went off. His face was painted in the moonlight. Dreaming.
We built a home together. A home with a picket white fence and the mailbox with no name because we still had two. The sun occasionally burned too hot, but that’s love. We liked the idea of a garden. The growth of the flowers represented the growth of our life together. So, we planted the seeds next to the window and watered them everyday. He did things like fix the leaky faucet and hang the Christmas lights. I cleaned and prepared the meals that we ate at our four person table by the bay window. It was at that same table I told him about our baby.
The sun was still shining when I tried to ignore the cool breeze on my skin. He was at work doing things to make money. I was at home doing things to make a home. Our house almost felt like a home without a name on the mailbox. Letters came for two different people who now shared a baby girl. I rubbed my stomach and filled up the water pail. I had almost forgot to water our life. He came home as I was watering. He stopped and pointed and I said the cosmos bloomed. He asked what a cosmos was. I said it was our flower. He asked me what a flower was as though he had forgotten.
“…there, the one that’s blooming” I said while pointing.
He said he’d never seen that flower before. Our flower. And I said, I know.
And the snow came. I was outside shoveling. He was inside shaking. Our baby and I, still shoveling. At night, I’d sleep defeated next to what used to be a warm body in my bed. Now, it was cold and damp as if buried in the snow. The same snow that I’d been shoveling with our baby. The same snow I had been dreading from the day our eyes met. My arm reached out as if to save him from the blizzard, but he was gone. I was alone. And then she kicked, so I got out of bed and walked to the window to pull back the shades. I smiled. The sun was still shining.
You (Found) Me
rainy Sunday night
lay down with me
with blankets
and a glass of wine
serenade me on my way
to sleep
to dream
and love
so honest, emotional
and so on...
welcome to my love
you know
you don't fit love
into your life
you fit life into
your love
and
it's the least i can do
for you
The leaves have changed... and now, so have I.
The words "I'm sorry" have no meaning when they're falling from a mouth that repeats them. I'm outside cutting wood. Wood to hopefully build you a fire and warm you from this storm.
Now, all that I can do is try. Step one...
Now, all that I can do is try. Step one...
I dread the stars at night
Where incarceration finds you
With noises of pain and helpless actions
Hands on bars that won't budge
And I don’t have the key
Visiting hours in the daytime
Through a window, of opportunity
You’ve never felt more alive, you say
I’ve never seen you weaker
Though I have seen you before
Recorded phone calls in the night
Where you lay in your self-created prison
Speaking words no one can comprehend
And I cry, while you speak about differences
Between you and me
Your hands cuffed at the wrist
Behind your back where you can’t see
That you
And only you
Hold the key to escape
This cell
But you’re unable to reach the window
That will release you from this place
So, you stare at brick walls when the world gets dark
And I miss you,
Because
I know you.
I don't want to }bloom{ without you...
Sitting by the window sill, I’m staring at your body on the bed. The body where I used to lay my head at night, now makes me reach for the blankets. I can remember all of the words you spoke on the first day we met. You spoke about hopes and fears and how you loved the way the snow melted on my eyelashes. As I turn to look outside, I noticed a single snowflake fall to the concrete, but it didn’t melt. And I now know I have lost you.
I walked down the hall, slowly, trying not to wake you. I walked past what once was to be a room for our baby. Now, it collects dust. The door was cracked open, so, I opened it carefully. I prayed everything was still in place, the way we left it when we planted our bulbs on the window sill. As the door opened, I saw a light peering from behind the curtains. Pulling them back I held back a tear, staring at what we had once planted together. I fastened the curtain against the wall and started down the hall again to the kitchen.
I was filling up a pitcher of water when I heard footsteps from the hall. Walking back to the room, I stopped at the sight of you by the window. I can still remember the tears welling in your eyes as you turned to me to say,
“I don’t want to bloom without you…” All that I could say was,
I love you.